i've decided to create another livejournal.

yes, i know- again

this joural reminds me too much of someone i don't get to be anymore.
and it makes me sad to come here.

my new name is www.livejournal.com/users/i_watch_the_sky

add me, if you like.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: office noise

i suppose i ought to try and keep up with livejoural, in hopes to prevent the inevitable. that is, creating yet another journal. *sigh* i really do believe i have a mild case of ocd when it comes to creating and destroying lj's.

anyway, my life hasn't changed much in the past few weeks. monday through friday i live at work and the gym. which to most, would seem tedious- but on some level at least, this lifestyle has it's benefits. i've lost 6lbs since i've returned home from school, so i am looking better and feeling better- and the busyness keeps my mind from wandering or worrying about the insignificant in life.

but, there is one thing bothering me about living this way. and this one thing- is a big thing. i know i've mentioned this before, but i feel the need to mention it again... i have no time i have to spend on the things that matter. ever. i've had little choice but to (almost entirely)cease communication with my friends during the week days, therefore leaving me feeling like somewhat of an outsider when i am around on the weekends. i feel as though a lot of people are taking my busyness personally, even if they haven't expressed it outright. they look at me different now. like i don't belong. like maybe- on some level, they don't want me around anymore. if i'm right in saying this, and i belive that i am- i wish they wouldn't feel as they do. i only have 4 or 5 close friends that i see regularly, and only two days a week availible to me to do so. this unfortunetly, forces me to make a choice each weekend, choose one person over another, choose one event over another... and leaves me feeling guilty and sort of left out wherever i go. for the first time in a long time, i genuinely feel lonley...

in another year or two we'll all be in the same situation i'm sure, and maybe, just maybe, that will bring us closer together again... but until then, i'm out here by myself. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be a grown-up. i don't want to wake up at 5am every day. i don't want to go to bed at 10 o'clock every night. i don't want to be exhausted all the time. but it's the way things are, and there's not a damn thing i can do about it- at least not unless i decide to be dirt poor for the rest of my life.

i'm frustrated, lonley, and happy at the same time.

nothing makes sense anymore. it all just... is

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: people talking

i fully enjoyed myself this weekend. had an uneventful but enjoyable friday night- just had dinner and watched some lame tv with nicole, lisa and jess. then went with the girls to a rich-kid party in northport on saturday. the atmosphere was sort of odd (i.e. boys in suit blazers, conversations about politics and vegetarian ethics, catered food, fancy soaps etc.) but everyone was friendly and whatnot so it was a good time. especially when i got to watch nicole completely pants some dude over by the beer pong table. *shrug* who knows. and sunday... was by far the best day, weather wise at least. and since it was fucking gorgeous outside, andrew and i spent the day at wantagh park, hangin out by the docks and the beach. i couldn't have asked for a better way to end the weekend.

and as for other news- shannon called me last night and left a voicemail saying that shes planning on coming to visit me like, asap. and i can't wait! i miss her like crazy :)
-----

so ya, things are going well for me atm.

and here's to hoping they stay that way :)

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: people talking

another update from work. it's been an odd week, alternating between times of extreme business and times of extreme idleness. yesterday, i worked straight through the day, 8:30 - 5pm without so much as a minutes rest. i didn't even have the time to take lunch. then today, its not even 10:30 in the AM and i'm sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for some phone calls which don't seem to want to come. idk.

i'm happy it's friday. i skip the gym on friday's cause apparently, it's not healthy to go everyday? idk, so after work, i'm goin home- doing tae bo (or hopfully biking with natalie if the rain stops) and finding someone willing to spend a low key night with me. i'd like to relax. watch a movie, play video games, whatever. i'm not sure i'll have the energy to do anything else. although, my mind could be changed depending on what the anything else is. heh.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: people talkin...

i get my first real paycheck tomorrow !!!

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: nah...

life is peaceful again.

it's funny how boys always seem to cause problems.
even when you aren't aware of it.
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anyway, no use going into detail regarding this weekends pathetic little incident since the mere thought of it still bothers me... i've spent the last few weeks alternating my time between work and the gym- because, well- i don't have much else of a life. not during the week, anyway. the gym is pretty much the only thing keeping me motivated at happy so i don't mind spending my afternoons there. i'm up to running almost 3 miles a day, buring 500 cals on the eliptical, plus all the weights and stretching i've been doing. so finally (and emphasize the finally) here, i'm starting to see some noticable differences. the beer bloat i'd acquired the last week of school is completely gone, and i'm starting to get some pretty clear definition in my abs. ideally, i'd like to drop about 5 more pounds, but muscle mass also adds weight, so yeah... i don't know. i'm rambling.

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: the photocopier

last night was the epitome of the word drama and somehow or another, i ended up in the middle of it. i still don't understand what i did wrong, or for that matter, what anyone did wrong. i know that drama happens, and on some level its unavoidable at times... but usually, i'm at least able to decipher the root of the problem. but in this case, not only am i completely oblivious to the root of the problem, but i have no idea what the problem even was (or is?).

*scratches head*

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: no...

damn this weekend has been amazing. weather wise at least.
makes me just wanna lay outside forever.

ironic how i came inside in order to say that.
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anyway, went to a bbq at big joe's last night with the girls. t'was quite the interesting experience since everyone was beyond wasted by the time we got there. there was kegstands, beer pong, flip cup, puking, people fallin all over the place, etc. luckily none of this came from any of us... so yeah, long island's not so bad :)

Current Mood: content
Current Music: nah...

i am so not at all adjusted to this whole sleeping 4 hours a night thing.
i was delirious by the time i got home yesterday afternoon.

my cell phone rang and i answered my remote control.

*ahem* anyway- i feel its worth mentioning that last night i had dinner at this place that serves only vegetarian indian food... and t'was incredibly yummy. it's called dosa's- located on wantagh avenue near the HIP center if anyone's interested.

so yeah- after sacrificing my friday night to go to bed at about 9pm last night, i'm feeling pretty good today. especially since today's weather kicks ass. *sigh* totally the perfect way to end a week of work and rain.

i sound like an idiot.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: nada...

updating el jay from work. woo fuckin hoo.

probably won't have time to write as often as i'd like because apparently, other than weekends my life from now on- is going to consist of train rides, work, the gym, sleep and the occassional meal if i can find the time to fit it in. heh.

the friggin commute really jus kills the whole day. whatever.

anyway, work seems to be coming along well. the people are all very helpful and understanding as far as me being "the new girl" and therefore, still performing quite slow. i'm not sure yet as to whether or not i see potential friendships blooming here, as i am significantly younger than the majority of the employees. but who knows. its only day two... as for the technical stuff, i am still learning the order of things around here and i haven't yet fully grasped a few of the computer programs or the whole 'confirmation reports' thing- but i figure if nothing else, it's worth learning cause for the first time in my life i'm going to have an actual income... which means i can like, buy stuff. whoaaa.

it's sort of an odd thing though. sacrificing 90% of your social life for money. i mean, i like the city... no, i love the city- but i can't see myself working here for more than a few years as a commuter. i'll either have to get an apartment here- or work back on long island. whatever though- thats so not even worth thinking about right now.

but-
to all my friends who i am forced to see less of in my current situation.

i still love you, i promise.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: nah...

i got a job... on 5th avenue in NYC :)

i am officially a career woman.

weird.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: the tv upstairs...

( its more fitting this way )

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: nah...

i just got back from hangin out with some of my long island girls over at danielle's house. had a good time... made me realize how much i missed them :) something tells me that being home won't be so bad after all... i mean, i miss my cortland girls- but really, i do have something just as good right in front of me, and i can't let myself forget that...
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anyway, as of today i am officially a member of the east meadow branch of the new york sports club. just the fact that i belong to a gym makes me feel so much better about myself... the oh-so-lovely bittersweet pain of today's workout is still plagueing my ability to sit comfortably- but the satisfaction is so worth it :) they have plenty of machines, classes and a ton of treadmills... so yeah, as long as i don't end up with a job requiring extensive travel time, i should be able to reach my goal by the end of summer!! damn... i can't wait.

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: nah...

kicked my own ass today. decided to run with nat, who just so happens to be on the cross country team at her school... so yeah, when i was panting and about ready to collapse- she was just getting started. and now, i'm exhausted as all fuck but damn do i feel good.

one day at time. one day at a time.

Current Mood: motivated (and sweaty)
Current Music: nope...

there is no pain better than that which comes from a day of hardcore exercize. did abs, free weights, a tae bo video and ran 2 miles. i'm joining the gym tomorrow afternoon and after that, all i've got to do is work a bit on my diet. i've done very well with sticking almost entirely to raw veggies, cooked veggies and tofu... but i can't seem to stay away from those stupid little chocolate things my mom buys. they're small, but eat enough of them and size doesn't matter anymore... however, i have seemed to ease myself off the meat- which surprisingly wasn't difficult at all...

for anyone who hasn't been informed, i'm slowly trying to adapt myself to a vegan diet. not because i'm anti-meat or anything, so don't worry, i'm not going to start preaching animal rights or whatever bullshit. but really, it's so much healthier to eat this way. larger portions of veggie dishes have the same calorie count as much smaller portions of a meat or pasta dish and like, triple the vitamins and other good-for-u stuff. all i need to do now, is break my god awful cheese addiction and i'm good to go.

i want my old body back. god damn college and all the friggin alcohol i ingested while there. i mean granted, i had the time of my life... but now that it's over, i'm gunna hafta work harder than ever. especially since i'm determined not to screw around with stupid diets and cal restrictions like i did through most of my college career. it's lame and unecessarily frustrating. i'd like to think that now that i have time to go to the gym, and work out without my housemates up my butt all the time... i can do this the right way. i hope.

heh. sorry for all the recent whining about food, diet and exercize plans.

i'm sure i sound uber pathetic, but whatever.
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anyway, i started applying for jobs today. fixed up the resume, wrote a cover letter. applied for positions as an editorial assistant for some mag i never heard of, a project coordinator for some pr company i never heard of, and a couple of administrative positions. being that i have like NO job experience other than my internship, i doubt i'll get anything other than the administrative positions to call back. but who knows.

really i just need a job and i need one fast cause i got a $400 credit card bill coming to me at the end of the month and i really really really don't wanna hafta go into my savings to pay it. grrr. seriously, i HATE money. can't i just win a lottery or something? life would be so much easier.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: IMs...

i'm confused. and really i shouldn't even say that i'm confused because i know exactly whats going on. i'm standing at the beginning of a path i've traveled down many times before. whether this is good or bad i can't say for sure. but, there is the potential for this to get very very good. if only i don't ruin it again.

then again, maybe i'm completely misinterpreting everything.
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whatever.

tomorrow starts the job hunt. off i go to the land of the grown-ups.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: nah...

i usually avoid addressing the topic of fate as i can not seem to make up my mind as to whether or not i believe it exists. but sometimes- and only sometimes, nothing else seems to make sense.

in the words of maynard...

the poetry that comes from the squaring off between...
and the circling is worth it

finding beauty in the dissonance
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anyway, had a nice day today. got to see nicole and danielle for lunch, and later, went down to the bridges by jones beach with andrew. reminded me of old times. and an old song...

maybe being home won't be so bad :)

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: nah...

my god. i can't believe i'm actually leaving this place...

here's to good friends and happy memories. pregame mixes and human geography class. poison concerts and neubig food. here's to study lounges and the cookies from corey union. mud-sliding in the quad and avril lavigne. here's to the tke boys and grafitti party's. keg stands and falling in the snow. here's to getting each other through the hard times. here's to otter creek and old roomates. the van hoesen gym and the old main capuccino's. here's to 92 grotton and pregaming in hayes hall. jello shots and keystone light beer. here's to first apartments and best friends. cortaca jug and spring fling. burning food and washing dishes. here's to fake ID's and soco and lime shots. townie boyfriends and mini golf. here's to beach parties and halloween. 95 tompkins and 10 reynolds. parking tickets and blue bags. here's icles and falling in the snow. cheeze-its and cell phones. here's to grandma blender and tiny bowls. bon jovi and james. rascal flatts and def leppard. here's to ducci's!!! and murphys. jay nolan and ralph's ass. here's to beat it and dancing. writing on bathroom walls and t-shirts. happy hour and wet t-shirt contests. emo glasses and push up bras. the atkins diet and tupperware thieves. here's to sociology class and professors with accents. here's to celebrating finals week and rockstar friends. spandex and sober friends turning drunk. breaking couches and bacardi. southern comfort and margarita's. quarters and kings cup. here's to dark horse and never dancing. long walks home and pink pants. super bowl parties and avacado dip. here's to pizza and more and the downtown deli. cheek bones and saved by the bell. here's to sienfeld and home improvement. screwdrivers and sex on the beach. jaeger bombs and road trips. cherry stems and sleeping on the bar. here's to pimp costumes and sharpie markers. here's to pictures. here's to memories. here's to cortland. heres to us. here's to graduation....

to everyone's whose impacted my life over the last four years, i thank you for that. none of this would have been the same with out you. i wish everyone the best of luck in all of their future endeavors no matter where you may find yourself... i know some of you, i'll be close with for a long time to come, and some of you i may never speak to after this day. but to all of you. thank you. i love you.

and most importantly to lindsay and melissa for being the best friends i've ever had, and probably ever will have. these last four years only turned out as good as they did because i had these two to share it with... and to shannon, who i only knew one out of my four cortland years, but who impacted my life just and much as those i've known for all four.

and finally- here's to sad endings.

and here's to new beginnings.
-----

sometimes it's only with the ending of the season
that a storyteller can find the most appropriate way to tell his tale

Current Mood: so incredibly sad
Current Music: nothing...

ugh. my dress looks like shit. you can actually see the outline of my belly button. *sigh* i guess this is what i get for drinking 5 nights in a row, regardless of the fact that i've had nothing but salads and cheerios all week. grrr. thank god the robes are nice and baggy cause i do not, do not, do not want my picture taken in this right now.

whatever.
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anyway, last night i hung out downstairs in the karen's and jackie's apartment cause they are leaving for home today right after graduation! we had an awesome time playing quarters and doing what we do best- being drunk fukkards. yeah, it's def gunna kill me to say goodbye to them this afternoon! after hangin out downstairs i of course, ended up at ducci's where luckily i was able to maintain some sort of self control and not drink myself into oblivion (i needed to do this cause i hadda be up this morning at 8am) though i was definetly fucked up enough to splash through puddles with linz when it decided to downpour on us during the walk home. heh. idk.

god. i can't believe tonight will be my last night in cortland. ever.

Current Mood: fat and sad
Current Music: people talking...

( awwww )

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: mel vacuming...